A mixed year

Wow, can't believe it's more than a year since my first post here and more than 8 months since my last one!

Time sure flies.

So I thought this would be an appropriate time to look back over the past year and do a bit of a review.

As for my sex addiction, it's still going pretty strong, although I've had mixed success with keeping myself in check.

In terms of porn, I'm much better. Not doing it nearly as regularly as I used to, but still finding it impossible to resist once in a while. I used to really struggle to go for even a few hours without checking something out. This caused me to lose a lot of productivity (I even surfed for porn while at work, which just seems crazy now). At the moment it's more like once every 3-4 days. So that's real progress. On the downside I've developed a new fetish that I don't think is very healthy namely cuckolding, especially involving big black cocks and hot wives who openly flirt and fuck black dudes in front of their sissy husbands. Just typing that gave me a hard on. Sick shit.

In terms of cheating, I'm much better too, in that it happens less regularly, but I'm still doing it once in a while. Last occasion was with a lovely prostitute at an upmarket establishment near me about a month ago. She gave me the best blowjob (without condom) that I have had in years, perhaps ever. She even swallowed. Fuck I love that! I normally wouldn't allow a hooker to do anything to me without protection, but she was gorgeous and started with so much enthusiasm, there just no way I was going to say no. Before that, my last real cheat was the one I mentioned in my previous post (i.e. about 9 months ago). Once or twice a year ain't horrible and I think probably less than half my average over the last 10 years.

In terms of the crush on GF's younger sister, I'm much better. It was just a little crush and she no longer does much for me. Still pretty and I don't mind taking a peek when she bends over in a low cut top, but that's about as far as it goes. No real current infatuations of this nature. There are obviously plenty of girls that I think are hot, but nobody that stands out at present or that I'm overly obsessed about.

Still frustrated though. Still struggling to get through to my GF that I need a whole lot more. Still not getting nearly enough from her, but trying really hard. I've been putting in a lot of effort to help around the house and with household admin etc. Before she used to complain about having to do too much of the housework etc. I'm getting less complaints now, but it hasn't had any impact on our sex life. She seems to spend a lot more time on her phone with friends and family and playing games. Also very frustrated at present with her habit of working on her laptop in bed. I will often make a point to wake up early and bring her coffee and breakfast in bed, only to find that when I get back to the bedroom she's started working. This also happens quite often when I make a point of going to bed early (I tend to want to sleep later than she does).

There you go. That's my review of the past year or so and my current rather sad state of affairs. Still trying hard to control my sexual urges better without becoming completely asexual.

Still here

Damn, it's been almost 4 months since my last post.

As you may have guessed, that's not a good sign.

In these four months, I have slipped in terms of porn probably at least 50 times, had one erotic massage, and once had sex with a prostitute. Not very good going then. I have been trying to avoid it more, but man it's difficult.

To make matters worse, my GF seems less and less interested in sex or doing anything sexy. I've been trying. I spoke to her about it again. She knows it's a major issue for me and I really feel like I would be able to kick my bad habits if I just got some at home, but in the last four months I don't think we've had sex more than 10 times.  I've also been putting in a lot of effort to give her more attention, do more of the home work so she has more time to relax, etc., but to no avail. She hasn't once worn a sexy thong, or a tight top, or anything like that. She's never in the mood. There's just nothing.

On top of that, my infatuation with her little sis is growing. She's a really pretty girl. Not the hottest body in the world, but I love the way she dresses. She likes wearing boots, she likes showing some cleavage and I've caught a peek of a stringy thong underneath a few times. But she does all this in a very stylish non-slutty kind of way. I absolutely love that. A bit sex appeal with a lot of style. REALLY turns me on.

Anyway. It's been a bit more than a month since my visit to that prostitute, and since then things have gone a bit better. I guess it does help to get it out the system for a bit, but I cannot keep going like this.

Not sure what to do at this stage, but will try checking in here a bit more often.

Been a while

It's been a while since I checked in here. I've slipped in terms of watching porn again numerous times since my last post, but I have managed to do it a little less frequently, so I guess that's something.

For some reason, I also decided to book a session with a prostitute. Those high-class girls I referred to earlier. Just couldn't stay away from their website and spent a few hours looking through all the options. Finally decided on an absolutely stunning looking Indian lady with a really fit body. I booked a session for this afternoon (this was late last week) and have been fantasizing about it ever since.

This morning I managed to stop myself though. I really don't want to cheat on my GF anymore. It's so freakin senseless. I cancelled the session with the escort and decided to check in here for a change. On the one hand I'm proud that I managed to stop myself, on the other hand, if I look at the last couple of weeks overall I've got to be disappointed. I just haven't stuck to my resolution. Gotta try harder.

I love my girlfriend, I'm not going to do this to her anymore. Gotta remember that.

Gotta remember that always.

Every day.

Remember it.

You love her. She deserves better than a cheating, lying, pervert. You deserve better than that too.

Remember it.

Summer dresses...

I've had a good few days. Managed to steer clear of porn. It's always easier over weekends though as I'm with my girlfriend most of the time. And I guess I don't need excuses to procrastinate when I'm not working.

It's summer here and one thing that frustrates me a bit about this is that my girlfriend doesn't wear anything sexy. No tank tops, no summer dresses, no tight stuff. She's a strictly jeans & t-shirt kind of gal. And I'm not talking skin tight jeans and tight stretch t-shirts either. Last night we went out for dinner and her sister joined us. Sis is wearing a lovely summer dress. Nothing particularly sexy, but because it's something I'm deprived of, I'm now fantasizing about her. I tried to keep my mind of it, but man it's tough.

And to make matters worse the whole square that the restaurant looks out over is packed with, I'm guessing, 8 out of 10 women there wearing something sexy that the GF would never. I've spoken to her about this in past. Made sure she knows what I like and that I think she would look really nice in, but it just doesn't seem to interest her at all.

She used to wear sexy tight tops when we started dating and the first few years we were together, but over time she's completely stopped doing this. I really don't understand it. Because I always told her that I liked it and that she looked good. She also hasn't gained weight or anything. She still looks fine. Her boobs are lovely and perky and since they're on the small side, the loose-fitting stuff that she prefers nowadays just seem to hide them altogether. I don't want to push her too hard on this, because after all it's her choice. But it does bug me sometimes. I wish she could just dress up a bit every now and then.

Dammit, slipped again

I've been really good the last couple of days, totally avoiding porn, and directing my thoughts elsewhere every time I started fantasizing about some hooker or the like. 

But this morning while my GF was in the shower, I quickly went to one of my favourite porn sites. Later when she went to the shops, I did it again and jerked off to it.

What a fucking moron.

It's so pointless. I should have just come here and read my previous post. At least I haven't cheated again and I'm still steering clear of any thoughts in that direction. The problem with porn is that is just so easily accessible. One thought, type a URL, press enter, naked chicks. It takes about 3 seconds. And once there are naked chicks on the screen it becomes REALLY tough to stop. So you have to stop yourself in that 3 second window. From the time the impulse occurs to the time the screen loads. And the earlier you stop yourself, the easier it is.

Of course it also helps to avoid any temptations that might cause that impulse to pop up.

I stopped smoking more than 10 years ago and I now find it totally gross. I wish I could reach that point with porn. Not sure if that's possible. I don't want to become completely asexual. After all, I still want to have sex with my GF. And surely if you have any sort of sex drive there will be some form of porn that will always have some appeal. But the compulsion and the vulgar nature of much of the porn should be a turn off and I wish I could reach that point. When I think about with my big head, I can see it as disgusting and stupid, but when the small head takes over after I've succumbed to the impulse, I lose perspective.

I just don't know how to do that. I'm tired of failing. But I have to keep trying. This is important and I'm not going to waste my life looking at porn. I will stop.

Not working so far

Ok, so I'm a little disappointed in myself. This blog has been a miserable failure so far. I tried checking in every day for a few days, and then slipped horribly back to my old ways. I've removed some of those posts, because in retrospect they just seemed ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm going to turn over a new leaf today. Wednesday was a low point. I was very horny Tuesday-evening, but the GF wasn't interested in doing anything. So on Wednesday I went to a new "gentlemen's club" in the area and got and erotic massage and blowjob from one of the "therapists", using my sexual frustration as an excuse. It is rather hilarious how they insist on terminology like therapist when it's quite clear they're all hookers. But I guess that would be a bit crass.

Since Wednesday, I spent most of yesterday surfing for porn even though I was supposed to be working. At some point realized that this is ridiculous and that I'm actually wasting my life on this shit. So I decided to try a little harder and put in a renewed effort.

I recently read an article by someone going on about sex addiction and how it really isn't an addiction, but rather a compulsive behaviour and I definitely feel that way. Knowing that doesn't make it any less difficult to stop though.

Yesterday when I was thinking about all this I realized:

1. I'm a very intelligent, grown man. It's time I start taking responsibility.
2. I am in control of my actions. When I go to a prostitute, it requires a lot of actions. I can control those and decide not to do it at any time.
3. I'm not physiologically dependent on porn or cheating. I know this because I have on a few occasions  in past been able to go without it for months and I experienced no withdrawal symptoms or anything of the kind. So using my sexual frustration as an excuse is nonsense. I can change my attitude towards that and stop using it to justify this rubbish.
4. Porn costs me a lot of time. Time I could spend on much better things. When I watch porn, it's an excuse to procrastinate. And I use excuses like not getting enough or wild enough sex at home to satisfy my raging needs. That's rubbish. My needs are not so powerful that I cannot control them. I've been wasting probably something in the region of 10%-20% of my time (or at least the hours that I'm awake) on porn and cheating. If I had put in those hours on spoiling my girlfriend, we would have had a much better sex life. If I had spent those hours working, I would have accomplished so much more. It's so fucking stupid.
5. I have to want to stop. I've often tried, but there are always things that I return to. Things I just want to do "one last time", or things I've never tried that I felt I had to try and never had the chance. But this too is nonsense. There's nothing that I cannot go through life without. I'm pretty lucky in what I have. I need to change my attitude towards this and be content, and put these temptations out of my mind. Things that could still tempt me. There's an escort agency near me that apparently has the highest quality girls. I've always wanted to try one of them, but for some reason or other it's never worked out. On their site, they have pictures of some of the girls and they are gorgeous. There are two or three in particularly that I've had my eye on. Not having done it with one of them is something that could cause me to fail. I can see that now and I'm making a concious decision to let that go. I don't need it. Same for a threesome. Never done it, but have always wanted to. I don't need it. I'm deciding to let that go. When I have sex with my GF it is always great. I love it. Why do I want to risk losing that on one encounter that will most likely not live up to expectations. It's stupid.

So starting right now, I'm going to seriously try to stop this spiral of wasting my life on porn and cheating. It's stupid and I'm not. I can beat it. I may return to this blog if I feel particularly tempted and want to vent some of my feelings, but I'm not sure if that's even a good idea.

Wish me luck!

I'm a terrible sex addict. I'm in a long term relationship and my girlfriend is blissfully unaware. I really do want to be faithful to her, but I've already cheated on her several times (depending on what you count as "cheating" somewhere between 15 and 30 times over the past 10 years or so). She doesn't know this and I would prefer for it to stay that way, because it would hurt her very much and it would very likely mean the end of our relationship, which apart from a few minor frustrations, is pretty awesome. The same goes for porn. I surf for porn almost every day and often get off to it. This often happens at home, while she's sleeping or in the bath or the like.

I don't subscribe to the philosophy that partners have to know and share everything. We are each our own person and we have many unique experiences and thoughts that the other will never fully understand. I love my girlfriend to bits and I'm hiding this from her because I know how much it would hurt her. I also know that she wouldn't understand it at all. Sex for me is something completely different than it is for her and she will never comprehend that me having cheated on her doesn't in any way reduce the amount of love I have for her.

Having said that, I don't particularly like hiding it from her nor do I want to continue doing it. I would prefer to get rid of my bad habits. There are obvious risks (such as STD's). Most of my sexual endeavours outside our relationship has been with prostitutes, which also constitutes a ridiculous waste of money, especially as I prefer to go for high class working girls that I consider less risky. Also, simply because she would prefer if I didn't do these things, I would prefer not to do them either.

My typical pattern is that I get frustrated at home first. This builds up over time and I use porn to relieve a bit of tension but it only works for so long. Eventually I break down and go to a strip club, get a lap dance or something. This also is only temporary and I then revert to a session with a working girl. I don't fully understand why I need this. At home, we have sex on average about once a week. I don't visit prostitutes more often than once in 3-6 months. So why would this have any effect? It constitutes probably less than 2% of my total sexual experience, so why the hell would it make a difference? I don't get it, but it does. Perhaps it's the excitement. Perhaps it's the fact that these girls don't require any foreplay, or that they dress up really sexy (something my girlfriend never does). I just don't know.

I definitely have a problem though and I'm trying to get it under control. I've resolved to not cheat on her again and what I'm hoping is that this blog will provide me with a way to vent some of my frustration so that I can chill about all this and get on with making a great life with the woman I truly love.