I'm a terrible sex addict. I'm in a long term relationship and my girlfriend is blissfully unaware. I really do want to be faithful to her, but I've already cheated on her several times (depending on what you count as "cheating" somewhere between 15 and 30 times over the past 10 years or so). She doesn't know this and I would prefer for it to stay that way, because it would hurt her very much and it would very likely mean the end of our relationship, which apart from a few minor frustrations, is pretty awesome. The same goes for porn. I surf for porn almost every day and often get off to it. This often happens at home, while she's sleeping or in the bath or the like.

I don't subscribe to the philosophy that partners have to know and share everything. We are each our own person and we have many unique experiences and thoughts that the other will never fully understand. I love my girlfriend to bits and I'm hiding this from her because I know how much it would hurt her. I also know that she wouldn't understand it at all. Sex for me is something completely different than it is for her and she will never comprehend that me having cheated on her doesn't in any way reduce the amount of love I have for her.

Having said that, I don't particularly like hiding it from her nor do I want to continue doing it. I would prefer to get rid of my bad habits. There are obvious risks (such as STD's). Most of my sexual endeavours outside our relationship has been with prostitutes, which also constitutes a ridiculous waste of money, especially as I prefer to go for high class working girls that I consider less risky. Also, simply because she would prefer if I didn't do these things, I would prefer not to do them either.

My typical pattern is that I get frustrated at home first. This builds up over time and I use porn to relieve a bit of tension but it only works for so long. Eventually I break down and go to a strip club, get a lap dance or something. This also is only temporary and I then revert to a session with a working girl. I don't fully understand why I need this. At home, we have sex on average about once a week. I don't visit prostitutes more often than once in 3-6 months. So why would this have any effect? It constitutes probably less than 2% of my total sexual experience, so why the hell would it make a difference? I don't get it, but it does. Perhaps it's the excitement. Perhaps it's the fact that these girls don't require any foreplay, or that they dress up really sexy (something my girlfriend never does). I just don't know.

I definitely have a problem though and I'm trying to get it under control. I've resolved to not cheat on her again and what I'm hoping is that this blog will provide me with a way to vent some of my frustration so that I can chill about all this and get on with making a great life with the woman I truly love.