Been a while

It's been a while since I checked in here. I've slipped in terms of watching porn again numerous times since my last post, but I have managed to do it a little less frequently, so I guess that's something.

For some reason, I also decided to book a session with a prostitute. Those high-class girls I referred to earlier. Just couldn't stay away from their website and spent a few hours looking through all the options. Finally decided on an absolutely stunning looking Indian lady with a really fit body. I booked a session for this afternoon (this was late last week) and have been fantasizing about it ever since.

This morning I managed to stop myself though. I really don't want to cheat on my GF anymore. It's so freakin senseless. I cancelled the session with the escort and decided to check in here for a change. On the one hand I'm proud that I managed to stop myself, on the other hand, if I look at the last couple of weeks overall I've got to be disappointed. I just haven't stuck to my resolution. Gotta try harder.

I love my girlfriend, I'm not going to do this to her anymore. Gotta remember that.

Gotta remember that always.

Every day.

Remember it.

You love her. She deserves better than a cheating, lying, pervert. You deserve better than that too.

Remember it.

Summer dresses...

I've had a good few days. Managed to steer clear of porn. It's always easier over weekends though as I'm with my girlfriend most of the time. And I guess I don't need excuses to procrastinate when I'm not working.

It's summer here and one thing that frustrates me a bit about this is that my girlfriend doesn't wear anything sexy. No tank tops, no summer dresses, no tight stuff. She's a strictly jeans & t-shirt kind of gal. And I'm not talking skin tight jeans and tight stretch t-shirts either. Last night we went out for dinner and her sister joined us. Sis is wearing a lovely summer dress. Nothing particularly sexy, but because it's something I'm deprived of, I'm now fantasizing about her. I tried to keep my mind of it, but man it's tough.

And to make matters worse the whole square that the restaurant looks out over is packed with, I'm guessing, 8 out of 10 women there wearing something sexy that the GF would never. I've spoken to her about this in past. Made sure she knows what I like and that I think she would look really nice in, but it just doesn't seem to interest her at all.

She used to wear sexy tight tops when we started dating and the first few years we were together, but over time she's completely stopped doing this. I really don't understand it. Because I always told her that I liked it and that she looked good. She also hasn't gained weight or anything. She still looks fine. Her boobs are lovely and perky and since they're on the small side, the loose-fitting stuff that she prefers nowadays just seem to hide them altogether. I don't want to push her too hard on this, because after all it's her choice. But it does bug me sometimes. I wish she could just dress up a bit every now and then.

Dammit, slipped again

I've been really good the last couple of days, totally avoiding porn, and directing my thoughts elsewhere every time I started fantasizing about some hooker or the like. 

But this morning while my GF was in the shower, I quickly went to one of my favourite porn sites. Later when she went to the shops, I did it again and jerked off to it.

What a fucking moron.

It's so pointless. I should have just come here and read my previous post. At least I haven't cheated again and I'm still steering clear of any thoughts in that direction. The problem with porn is that is just so easily accessible. One thought, type a URL, press enter, naked chicks. It takes about 3 seconds. And once there are naked chicks on the screen it becomes REALLY tough to stop. So you have to stop yourself in that 3 second window. From the time the impulse occurs to the time the screen loads. And the earlier you stop yourself, the easier it is.

Of course it also helps to avoid any temptations that might cause that impulse to pop up.

I stopped smoking more than 10 years ago and I now find it totally gross. I wish I could reach that point with porn. Not sure if that's possible. I don't want to become completely asexual. After all, I still want to have sex with my GF. And surely if you have any sort of sex drive there will be some form of porn that will always have some appeal. But the compulsion and the vulgar nature of much of the porn should be a turn off and I wish I could reach that point. When I think about with my big head, I can see it as disgusting and stupid, but when the small head takes over after I've succumbed to the impulse, I lose perspective.

I just don't know how to do that. I'm tired of failing. But I have to keep trying. This is important and I'm not going to waste my life looking at porn. I will stop.

Not working so far

Ok, so I'm a little disappointed in myself. This blog has been a miserable failure so far. I tried checking in every day for a few days, and then slipped horribly back to my old ways. I've removed some of those posts, because in retrospect they just seemed ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm going to turn over a new leaf today. Wednesday was a low point. I was very horny Tuesday-evening, but the GF wasn't interested in doing anything. So on Wednesday I went to a new "gentlemen's club" in the area and got and erotic massage and blowjob from one of the "therapists", using my sexual frustration as an excuse. It is rather hilarious how they insist on terminology like therapist when it's quite clear they're all hookers. But I guess that would be a bit crass.

Since Wednesday, I spent most of yesterday surfing for porn even though I was supposed to be working. At some point realized that this is ridiculous and that I'm actually wasting my life on this shit. So I decided to try a little harder and put in a renewed effort.

I recently read an article by someone going on about sex addiction and how it really isn't an addiction, but rather a compulsive behaviour and I definitely feel that way. Knowing that doesn't make it any less difficult to stop though.

Yesterday when I was thinking about all this I realized:

1. I'm a very intelligent, grown man. It's time I start taking responsibility.
2. I am in control of my actions. When I go to a prostitute, it requires a lot of actions. I can control those and decide not to do it at any time.
3. I'm not physiologically dependent on porn or cheating. I know this because I have on a few occasions  in past been able to go without it for months and I experienced no withdrawal symptoms or anything of the kind. So using my sexual frustration as an excuse is nonsense. I can change my attitude towards that and stop using it to justify this rubbish.
4. Porn costs me a lot of time. Time I could spend on much better things. When I watch porn, it's an excuse to procrastinate. And I use excuses like not getting enough or wild enough sex at home to satisfy my raging needs. That's rubbish. My needs are not so powerful that I cannot control them. I've been wasting probably something in the region of 10%-20% of my time (or at least the hours that I'm awake) on porn and cheating. If I had put in those hours on spoiling my girlfriend, we would have had a much better sex life. If I had spent those hours working, I would have accomplished so much more. It's so fucking stupid.
5. I have to want to stop. I've often tried, but there are always things that I return to. Things I just want to do "one last time", or things I've never tried that I felt I had to try and never had the chance. But this too is nonsense. There's nothing that I cannot go through life without. I'm pretty lucky in what I have. I need to change my attitude towards this and be content, and put these temptations out of my mind. Things that could still tempt me. There's an escort agency near me that apparently has the highest quality girls. I've always wanted to try one of them, but for some reason or other it's never worked out. On their site, they have pictures of some of the girls and they are gorgeous. There are two or three in particularly that I've had my eye on. Not having done it with one of them is something that could cause me to fail. I can see that now and I'm making a concious decision to let that go. I don't need it. Same for a threesome. Never done it, but have always wanted to. I don't need it. I'm deciding to let that go. When I have sex with my GF it is always great. I love it. Why do I want to risk losing that on one encounter that will most likely not live up to expectations. It's stupid.

So starting right now, I'm going to seriously try to stop this spiral of wasting my life on porn and cheating. It's stupid and I'm not. I can beat it. I may return to this blog if I feel particularly tempted and want to vent some of my feelings, but I'm not sure if that's even a good idea.

Wish me luck!