Not working so far

Ok, so I'm a little disappointed in myself. This blog has been a miserable failure so far. I tried checking in every day for a few days, and then slipped horribly back to my old ways. I've removed some of those posts, because in retrospect they just seemed ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm going to turn over a new leaf today. Wednesday was a low point. I was very horny Tuesday-evening, but the GF wasn't interested in doing anything. So on Wednesday I went to a new "gentlemen's club" in the area and got and erotic massage and blowjob from one of the "therapists", using my sexual frustration as an excuse. It is rather hilarious how they insist on terminology like therapist when it's quite clear they're all hookers. But I guess that would be a bit crass.

Since Wednesday, I spent most of yesterday surfing for porn even though I was supposed to be working. At some point realized that this is ridiculous and that I'm actually wasting my life on this shit. So I decided to try a little harder and put in a renewed effort.

I recently read an article by someone going on about sex addiction and how it really isn't an addiction, but rather a compulsive behaviour and I definitely feel that way. Knowing that doesn't make it any less difficult to stop though.

Yesterday when I was thinking about all this I realized:

1. I'm a very intelligent, grown man. It's time I start taking responsibility.
2. I am in control of my actions. When I go to a prostitute, it requires a lot of actions. I can control those and decide not to do it at any time.
3. I'm not physiologically dependent on porn or cheating. I know this because I have on a few occasions  in past been able to go without it for months and I experienced no withdrawal symptoms or anything of the kind. So using my sexual frustration as an excuse is nonsense. I can change my attitude towards that and stop using it to justify this rubbish.
4. Porn costs me a lot of time. Time I could spend on much better things. When I watch porn, it's an excuse to procrastinate. And I use excuses like not getting enough or wild enough sex at home to satisfy my raging needs. That's rubbish. My needs are not so powerful that I cannot control them. I've been wasting probably something in the region of 10%-20% of my time (or at least the hours that I'm awake) on porn and cheating. If I had put in those hours on spoiling my girlfriend, we would have had a much better sex life. If I had spent those hours working, I would have accomplished so much more. It's so fucking stupid.
5. I have to want to stop. I've often tried, but there are always things that I return to. Things I just want to do "one last time", or things I've never tried that I felt I had to try and never had the chance. But this too is nonsense. There's nothing that I cannot go through life without. I'm pretty lucky in what I have. I need to change my attitude towards this and be content, and put these temptations out of my mind. Things that could still tempt me. There's an escort agency near me that apparently has the highest quality girls. I've always wanted to try one of them, but for some reason or other it's never worked out. On their site, they have pictures of some of the girls and they are gorgeous. There are two or three in particularly that I've had my eye on. Not having done it with one of them is something that could cause me to fail. I can see that now and I'm making a concious decision to let that go. I don't need it. Same for a threesome. Never done it, but have always wanted to. I don't need it. I'm deciding to let that go. When I have sex with my GF it is always great. I love it. Why do I want to risk losing that on one encounter that will most likely not live up to expectations. It's stupid.

So starting right now, I'm going to seriously try to stop this spiral of wasting my life on porn and cheating. It's stupid and I'm not. I can beat it. I may return to this blog if I feel particularly tempted and want to vent some of my feelings, but I'm not sure if that's even a good idea.

Wish me luck!