But this morning while my GF was in the shower, I quickly went to one of my favourite porn sites. Later when she went to the shops, I did it again and jerked off to it.
What a fucking moron.
It's so pointless. I should have just come here and read my previous post. At least I haven't cheated again and I'm still steering clear of any thoughts in that direction. The problem with porn is that is just so easily accessible. One thought, type a URL, press enter, naked chicks. It takes about 3 seconds. And once there are naked chicks on the screen it becomes REALLY tough to stop. So you have to stop yourself in that 3 second window. From the time the impulse occurs to the time the screen loads. And the earlier you stop yourself, the easier it is.
Of course it also helps to avoid any temptations that might cause that impulse to pop up.
I stopped smoking more than 10 years ago and I now find it totally gross. I wish I could reach that point with porn. Not sure if that's possible. I don't want to become completely asexual. After all, I still want to have sex with my GF. And surely if you have any sort of sex drive there will be some form of porn that will always have some appeal. But the compulsion and the vulgar nature of much of the porn should be a turn off and I wish I could reach that point. When I think about with my big head, I can see it as disgusting and stupid, but when the small head takes over after I've succumbed to the impulse, I lose perspective.
I just don't know how to do that. I'm tired of failing. But I have to keep trying. This is important and I'm not going to waste my life looking at porn. I will stop.
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